The Expat’s Dilemma
Before I came to Beijing, I didn’t spend a lot of time considering some of the deeper meanings of spending my life as an expat living abroad. All I thought about was how much I wanted it, how much fun it would be, how suited I was for overseas living, etc etc. I rarely or never thought about what I would be giving up, or about the difficulties of living so far away.
One of the unexpected blessings about living here the past 3 months is that I have come to discover that I am, in fact, capable of deep love and connection. I have discovered that because, for the first time in a long long time, years and years, I am truly and deeply and daily missing my loved ones. It has been a long long time since I’ve felt this kind of emotion, this intense bittersweet longing. In the past, every once in a while I’d feel a mild pang of “Oh! I wish So-and-So was here.” But lately, I miss people on so many different levels. I guess this partly comes of maturity. I’m realizing, for the first time, what things I am giving up by following this dream of mine. And primarily what I’m giving up are a thousand and one daily moments with the people who give true meaning to my life. My parents, my brothers, my extended family, and Julie, Megan, and Jennifer. They are the sweetness and the connection and the meaning in my life. I feel that more deeply than I have ever felt it. So lately, I’ve been struggling a lot within myself. I’ve always heard, “Follow your dreams, follow your dreams!” But what I’m realizing is that every dream comes at a price.
But on the other hand, I also think to myself, “And to live at home, that also comes with a price — giving up a lifetime of dreams.” And also — what of the new relationships I am forming here? Although right now they are still new, without the depth and groundedness of my older relationships, they too are human connection. They too, in time, and if nurtured, will yield the same bountiful harvest of love and meaningfulness and depth. If I were to stay in America, I would never develop these relationships.
From where I stand, it’s hard to see down the road, and to know what is worthwhile and what is just dust in the wind. I guess that’s life though. You never know until you know.
-Bethany Allen